Guardian

Last night I had my dear friend Lisa over for dinner. I had expected for it to be a time of connection and laughter, for just catching up and enjoying life together. Obviously our Father had some bigger plans.

Last night I recieved a gift. And although it was from my friend, I knew in my spirit that it was inspired by God. Lisa has been a part of my journey for many years. She knows of my pain and of my triumph. She has held my hand through difficult choices I’ve made, encouraged me in moments of confusion, and had prayed for me more faithfully than anyone else I know. It’s safe to say that Lisa truly knows me. She loves me. And I am incredibly blessed to have such an amazing friend.

In the past months, I have confided in Lisa about my struggles in becoming healthy. She knows how depressed I became while coming to terms with having Celiac Disease. She asks me the tough questions, like if I am tempted to fall back into unhealthy coping skills. She was one of the few honest friends who helped me understand how frustrating I was to be friends with when I chose not to acknowledge my ADHD. She was honest when I hurt her feelings and when I let her down.

Last night after our dinner, where Lisa tried my gluten free pasta dish with no fear, she gave me a card and a package. I opened the card and read the small piece of paper included. It talked about the meaning of my name, the Hebrew context.

The meaning of the word my name is derived from means the following: house, shelter, home and family. I read it and could not stop crying as I connected the recent visions I’ve received to the deeper meaning of my name. It was like confirmation of my purpose.

Next I read the card. At the end it said “May you never forget the moment of your divine commissioning and may you always hold fast to the promises God has given you surrounding this. He has called you a GUARDIAN, and that is forever what you will be. Lives will be changed because of your presence, your touch, and your love.”

Again, cue the tears.

Finally I opened the box. In it was the best gift ever. A WillowTree figurine named “guardian. Love and Protect thee, forever”.

I saw the sweetness of God in this gift. I have seen so many WillowTree figurines over the years- with each one causing a secret desire to have one of my own. I would always tell myself: someday you’ll be a mother and then you can have one.

I was wrong. I have one now, a reminder of His amazing grace and provision. I’m in awe.

The woman sitting on the Rock, holding the promised baby in her arms, eyes closed singing softly to bring him comfort. It’s a vision of me.

And I have a friend who believes with me. For this gift, I am truly humbled.

Dinner with Purpose

Dinner invitation. Themed food. Creativity. New friends.
This night had the makings of something incredible! But, in all of my highest expectations, I could have never dreamed what would transpire- or that one evening would be catalyst for total transformation!!

Kristen is a newer friend. She’s a member of Flood and if her involvement in recent awakenings is any indicator- we have an incredible friendship in the works…

She invited me to her parents home for dinner. I know Ron and Terry and love them, so I was thrilled to be able to go. Kristen emailed me ‘details’ about the dinner later in the week. Here were her words:

Hey there lady.
Just wanted to give you an update on Saturday’s dinner: people are meeting at my parents’ house at 6:30.
Also, I think I told you that we’re having what my family refers to as a “passover dinner,” but here are the details again. My mom is making the main course, but everyone who comes is in charge of bringing one food item (an appetizer, dessert, or drink) to share. This item should be symbolic to you- representing your feelings about 2010. Interpret that however you want and have fun!

See you on Saturday,
Kristen

Well, interpret I did. I decided to make a salad that represented my hopes and dreams for the new year.

It was made with baby greens, jicama, tomatoes, carrots, red bell peppers, cucumbers, cranberries and a homemade dressing. And of course, each of the parts had symbolism.

Base: baby greens.
I chose baby greens because they are the opposite of what I have become. I feel like the last few years have depleted me of my energy, fight, and really, every thing with purpose. I have become like iceberg lettuce. I do believe, however, that despite my current state the Father sees me as mixed baby greens, because He sees me through the Son. I hope that this year I start to see myself as rich, nutrient filled, colorful and healthy- just like those mixed baby greens.

Now, in reality, this salad is enough. It does not need anything else. But, in my boldness I asked for more.

Topping 1: cucumber.
Cucumber is cool, used to soothe tired eyes and has a refreshing property. I want that kind of year- one of rejuvenation.

Topping 2: carrots.
Carrots are known for improving eyesight. What I need is vision. Not the physical kind, though improvements there would be welcome as well. Historically, He speaks to me through dreams and visions. These pictures provide me with guidance, and help me know where I am going. Really they function as a compass- it shows me where I am lining up, and I know when I am off course. I need vision. I’m list and stuck in the past and I need to know where I am going.

Topping 3: red bell peppers.
Hot, fire, passion, and sweetness. I am a passionate person by nature, but amidst my derailment I have lost this too. I used to be passionate about SO many things, and now I feel apathetic to most things. I want renewed passion- something setting my soul on fire, something that propels me into greatness!

Topping 4: jicama
Jicama has an ugly exterior, but a sweetness inside. I have let myself become soft on the outside, easily bruised and sensitive to hurt. I’ve also hardened my heart. I’ve pushed my friends away and isolated myself in an effort to protect my spirit. I desire to become more like the jicama- tough flesh, but soft and sweet heart.

Topping 5: tomatoes
Tomatoes have always perplexed me. I think they should be vegetables, but they are a fruit. I don’t understand this, and I certainly do not like it. This is symbolic of many things for me- a deep need to understand things that don’t make sense to me. I am struggling with my reality of living with Celiac Disease. I don’t understand it and therefore can’t find peace with it. I am hoping thus changes.

Dressing: lemon + olive oil + garlic
Olive oil is a protectant, the lemon is fresh with an astringent property and the garlic is good for the blood. My dressing represents me at the end of the year- clean, fresh and soft.

Absence of topping 7: croutons
I can’t have croutons. I am tired of having to watch other people eat things I can’t, things I miss. So I omitted a classic topping, purely to make my life easier.

There you have a complete salad. If everything represented became a part of my life this year I would be blessed beyond belief. But, I have a gracious Father, who’s Son has allowed me permission to approach the throne boldly. So, as I kneel before His Majesty, I put one more thing on my salad. The icing on the cake if you will…

Topping 6: dried cranberries
Cranberries are sweet, and have a bite to them. They add just a little extra to the salad, a taste of goodness you don’t really expect. To me, the cranberries represent a partner in life, a husband. This is something I have been waiting patiently and prayerfully for. I would really like to meet him soon.

The dinner for me ended up being life changing. The process I went through on my own prior to dinner- preparing my symbolic food and figuring out how to share it- brought all of my emotions to the surface. I’m generally a fairly open person, but in the past year I’ve become emotionally recluse. I have a hard time asking for help and sharing when I am really hurting. I sort of reverted a bit to a younger version of myself, the one that perfected the half smile that said I’m just fine.

Well, at this dinner my floodgate opened. I shared, really shared about my struggles in dealing with my new illness, and all of the issues that came with it. I made my self vulnerable. And I was ok.

In fact, the response I received from the dozen others around the table was the part that really changed my life. People started asking me questions, and sharing their own stories. I was encouraged, and it inspired me. The love I felt that night was overwhelming. The shaking in your boots and crying while laughing kind of overwhelming love.

I am allowed to be myself. And my CD is not an inconvenience to those who truly love me. Humbled. In awe. Thankful.