Missing

I consider myself to be a pretty positive and energetic person. But, sometimes I go through a phase of the journey that feels really still. In the quiet moments, when I allow myself to dwell in the sacred spaces I reflect on my life and all of it's special moments.

Lately I've been feeling low. Blue. Not like myself. 2009 has been a particularly difficult year for me and maybe I'm just tired. But I WANT to be filled with joy. That is who He created me to be.

As I fight these feelings and struggle with my own thoughts I find myself remembering things of the past, and missing them. Many of them are petty. But, they are my feelings. I mostly miss writing- my outlet and connection to the spirit. I figured maybe if I write everything down I can let it go. Move on to the future, to my dreams and passions. Here goes...

I miss being a kid. I'm feeling overwhelmed with responsibilities and challenges and I want to go back to living at home and getting allowance. Babysitting. That was a good job.

I miss being a soccer player. I battled for years to let that identity go, but I miss it. I miss tournaments, trophies, my face in the newspaper. I miss being REALLY good at something. I miss my muscle tone. And I miss thinking about soccer and not having my mind flooded with images of my dad dying on the field during practice. I miss my dad.

I miss having my brother around. The last few years have been so tough- choosing not to see him until he got help. Questioning myself everyday if I made the right decision. I miss him making fun of me. And calling me with girl drama. And, I miss being needed, depended upon. I don't miss his rage. But I miss his heart, the place where God dwells.

I miss speaking French. I miss Paris, and the Eiffel Tower. I miss my dedication to learning and to being fluent.

I miss old friends. The ones who have moved away. The ones who know my soul. The ones I love. The ones who made me who I am today.

I miss my long hair. I still can't believe I cut it off. That I was so inhabited by the fear of finding out I had cancer and loosing my hair from chemo that I just cut it all off. That way it was my choice. I miss the long strands of sun-bleached blonde. I miss messy knots on the top of my head on Saturday mornings.

I miss gluten. I hate having an auto-immune disease. I loathe it, actually. I miss eating regular food. I miss not having to ask about every ingredient before I can eat anything. I miss feeling like everyone else. I don't miss being sick all the time.

I have lived an incredibly full life. I am nearing the end of my 28th year (omg. I'm almost 28. That's late 20's right??) and I have had more opportunities in that time than most folks do in a lifetime. I've had more love, more laughter, more crazy moments than I can even recall. I want to be able to look back and smile. To remember how amazing my dad was- knowing half the reason I'm still not married is that I had the best example of a man that there could be. I can't WAIT to meet the one who WILL measure up! Mostly, I think about how much I'm like him, about how I'd love to know what heaven is like, and hear him say "I love you, Beth" just one more time. But, days like today I just feel sad. I feel the loss. With holidays just around the corner- I'm feeling stuck in reverse. And I do not want to be going this way.

When I think about the gifts that God has given me, I think about the things I hear most often form friends around me. I'm fun, enthusiastic, passionate, encouraging, honest and joyful. I think in these moments where I feel defeated and stagnant I am letting the enemy win. Defeat is not a fruit of the spirit. So I don't want it.

Lord- I just want to crawl up into your lap and have you hold me. Fill me with your visions and light and wipe away my tears. Comfort me and heal me, and refine my character. Let this time not be in vain. Pull me close and whisper your peace. I ask for abundant favor and joy. Restore me. Let me be more like your son with every passing day. You are good. Don't let me forget this.

I'm missing the old me. Or, maybe these are just anticipation pangs for the new me that is emerging.

Happy Birthday to me...

I have officially completed 27 years on this earth. And I feel some days like I have learned nothing...

Today I'd like to reflect on the things I have discovered,. in the hopes that on my next dreary day I can look back and recall all those milestones along the way.

I have learned that talk is cheap, words can hurt more than a fist and that I have been both hurtful and cheap.

I have learned that life is all about the journey. Too often I get caught in the details, on the successes, the failures. It's about the big picture, and knowing I am closer today to where I truly desire to be than I was last week, or even last year.

I have learned that pets really do make people happier. I know this every time Lola or Bentley comes to snuggle me or makes me laugh as they play with toys. They are 'just dogs', but in so many ways, they are everything.

I have learned that when there are expectations, there is almost always disappointment. The only expectations I want to have moving forward are for hope- in the Father, the Son and the Spirit. I believe it is here I will find peace.

I have learned that my passion is contagious. I hope that when I look back on year 28, I see evidence of my passion along the way, in tangible things, in people around me.

I have learned that the more I think I know- the more questions I have.

And I have SO many questions.

... To another year. Hope it's the best yet.

Welcome, 2008.

In my ongoing quest to be happy, healthy and more like Christ each day, I choose to honor the following:

• Recognize time as a gift. I will make good use of the hours I am given by prioritizing and creating schedules.
• Recognize that my body is a temple; I will take care of it by fueling with healthy food and by maintaining a regular exercise routine.
• Recognize that perfect love drives out fear, such that my life radiates dignity and grace as I face difficulty, loss or challenges.
• Recognize that growth often comes from uncomfortable circumstances and therefore embrace opportunities to step outside of my comfort zone and take chances in the hopes of stretching myself.
• Recognize that my health comes second to no one. I will prayerfully make choices and set boundaries that are best for me, knowing full well that some consequences of those choices may be difficult and even result in pain.
• Recognize my need for time with my Father, both to adore him, and to be adored myself. I choose to show Him authority and position in my life by having a morning or evening out with God each week. I will meet with him in a special place, regardless of how busy or stressful my schedule might be.
• Recognize the power of words and the effects of a sharp or wagging tongue. I will be conscious of thinking before I speak, and set an example to others by limiting what I say about and to others to words that are both truthful and edifying. This includes how I speak to myself. I choose to be used by the spirit to speak prophetically to all nations, and choose to exhibit integrity and discernment knowing my words can be powerful, and it will remain a place of attack.
• Recognize the power of prayer and choose to spending time with my Father everyday, both in prayer and silence, as well as reading His word.
• Recognize the goodness of the Father and focus each day on submitting to the spirit, surrendering my will, thoughts and feelings and using my gifts and talents to bless those around me. In light of His infinite goodness I give myself permission to receive all the blessing and inheritance that is waiting for me.
• Recognize that Love Wins, therefore seeing others through the eyes of the Father: Worthy of a son. I choose to love recklessly, abundantly, wholly, unashamedly and unconditionally in the hope that His love through me will transform others and draw them closer to Him.
• Recognize the desperation in this world for a Savior. I choose to go where the Spirit leads, be it downtown, across the world, or in my own home. I commit to being an agent of change, knowing that giving of ‘me’ will make my character that much more like the character of my Lord. I choose to allow myself to be broken of behalf of others in an effort to understand their journey.
• Recognize the ease at which I fall into the world. I choose to remain focused on the prize and to trust that He will wipe away all my frustration and disillusionment as I claim my identity in Christ alone.
• Recognize that I am not my own, I was bought at the highest price. I choose to remember that my life, my possessions and my friends and family are first the Lords. I choose to being a good steward of the things and people He has entrusted to me, even when it hurts, or feels impossible. I choose to seek approval from Him alone, and to point others in the same direction.

Anthem

Reflection, times 12.

The holiday season has arrived. As is typical for late November, thoughts are lost amongst the swelling bellies and wallets in drought. It's a season, in origin, that should be time for deep thoughts, thankful hearts and adoration for a creator who has blessed His creation. For many, the familiar scent of tradition nears the horizon, and we remember times of family togetherness and look forward with anticipation to what might await this time around.

This year has already proved to be a defining time in my life. My 26th year on this earth has been both the hardest, and the best. I have been tested and stretched, and though I find myself a bit ragged and mangled, I am setting out on a new journey with peace in my heart. I have believed in Christ for many years; this is the first I have believed Him. I'll be honest, the shift in perspective has required a complete heart break. What I see now is that as I cried, He held me--just like He promised. When I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, He was my guide, He comforted me--just like He promised. When I looked to Him like a dad, begging for approval, He rejoiced over me with singing--just like He promised. And, as I battled against painfully lonely realities, He defended my cause and fought for me--just like He promised.

I recently read a story of a little girl who worked long and hard to earn enough money to purchase a pearl necklace at a dime store. It was her pride and joy, something she loved with her entire being. She would wear it all time, except for in the bath because it's poor quality would leave a green ring around her neck. Each night before bed her dad would ask her if she loved him, and each night she responded "yes". And, then he would ask her to give him her pearls. She would always reply no, and instead offer him any number of her other toys. He would reply, "that's ok, goodnight", and that would be that. Finally, after weeks of this routine, the little girl gave an offering to her dad before he had the chance to say anything. You know that it must have broke her little heart to offer up her most prized and valued possession. But, she did it because she loved her dad, and trusted that he has her best interest at heart. Now, here's where the story gets good... As she handed over the shabby plastic pearls, her dad pulled out a box containing a real strand of pearls to give her. You see, he had had them every night, longing to give his little girl something beautiful and real. Like I often do myself, the little girl held on to mediocre because she didn't know that splendid was an option.

This story resonated deep into my soul. I felt like it was a promise from my own heavenly Father, that if I would let go of the things that turned my neck green, He would bless me with something sensational. I have spent the last six months trying to hold on to things that hurt me, have broken me, and make me weak and ugly. The Father that I love has asked for these, and instead of fighting, I have said ok. I have given up the thing that is the most precious in my life, knowing that His grace will sustain me in the balance, and my genuine pearls are coming soon.

I am finding that this season brings much more than I bargained for. I am looking back on traditions that although unhealthy, are familiar. I am free in Him enough to see that He has more. So much more. I want this to continue to be a time where I draw strength from pure sources, feasting steadfastly only on truth and giving grace alone. I want to let go of this world, and cling with every fiber of my being to the story of old: For God so loved ME, that he gave His only son, that if I believe in Him alone, I should have abundant and overflowing life.

Cheers to new traditions and learning the art of letting go.

May you embark on the season with Hope for a brighter tomorrow, and a purpose in your soul. The winds come with a whispering promise: take hold my child, you're in MY hands, I will take care of you...

REvisiting my heart.

Originally posted on March 6th

My heart is broken. I don't know what do.
Then again, maybe this truth is where the problem actually lies. I am astounded as I try to grasp hold of the reality we are faced with. I CAN'T wrap my head around it. It is an epidemic, and my very being is burning with a passion to fight it.
Women.
We are loosing who we are.
We are encouraging our own heartache.
We are asking for trouble.
And, we are condemning our daughters to despair.
If you are a woman, I am speaking to you.

You are beautiful. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. God himself designed you, just as you are. He loved you and called you his own, before you were a glimmer in your mother's eye. He wanted you to be with him so much, he sent his only son to die on a cross for you.

HE WANTS YOU.

Your worth is not based on your dress size, your bra size, or your shoe size. Your worth is not based on what you look like in the morning, how much time you spend in the gym, or how many men want to date you. Your worth is not dependent on how many people approve of you, how many friends you have, or what kind of car you drive. It does not matter if you drink too much, swear too much, or yell too much. There is no relevance in any of these things.

GOD LOVES YOU.

Just as you are.
I am so sad to see what we are doing. And I say we because I am a part of it. I have lost sight of the joy of salvation, and the cost at which I was bought and paid for- IN FULL. My worth is on that cross. My worth is something I can't touch, or see, or smell. My worth comes from something so perfect and divine, I can't even imagine it's glory. I can't grasp God in all his fullness, yet he sees me, and wants me. ME! Not because I am a good friend. Or because I love my family. He doesn't want me because I sing at church, or lead bible studies. He wants me, because he made me. And He paid more than I can imagine to hold me close in his arms, and call me beloved.
I sit here half in frustration, half in sheer excitement. I mean, to be called a daughter to the King. What more should there be?
Yet, I make it more. I make it SO much more. And I get frustrated with other women in my life when they critique themselves- and pick every thing about them to pieces. But, I do the same thing. I may not voice it, but I feel it.
There is a bar that has been set by someone (they should be shot), that says :Women of America- you should be:
~stronger
~thinner
~richer
~prettier
~younger...
And the list goes on.
Point being- in this world we are NEVER going to be enough. And this is an outrage, right?Well, this whole idea of not being enough, it's nothing new. In fact, it's because I know that I can't live a sinless life that the idea of Christ claiming me means so much. I am not enough to be with God, yet he still wants me.

The problem does not as much lie with women not being enough, it is what we are not enough OF.

God saw that in our humanity, we couldn't do it without him. He planned a way out. He knew from the beginning we would fail to live a perfect life. He KNOWS that! He created women to be soft, and lovely, and merciful. He created us to be strong, and wise, and nurturing. We are all different, created for His pleasure. God created us with free-will. All he asks it that we love him.What we have done, is created a new image of woman. We have stripped her of her dignity by posing nude in magazines. We have robbed her of her value by taking her out of the home and pushing her into the workplace. We have turned against each other in judgment .We have accepted the standard by continually conforming, regardless of the cost.
Do I feel convicted? You bet. Today alone I made fun of a co-workers shoes, noted a mis-matched outfit, thought about how unflattering another's haircut was. I noted how loud one woman was, how passive another was, and silently listened as yet another woman was cut down.

And I wonder why we have 10 year old girls with eating disorders. Why 13 year old have multiple sex partners, just to feel like they belong. Why high school seniors are getting boob jobs for graduation presents. I am part of the problem. I'm just as self-destructive as any of them- I am just better at hiding it.
My hearts cry is that we, as women would anchor our worth on the rock of Christ. If we could begin to understand our own redemption, we could share it with the women around us. Instead of judging our peers, we should be building them up with love. I want to take back the image God laid out for us. I want to claim it for myself, and no longer conform to the world. I want to spend more time talking about how Great my God is, than about who's on what diet, and who said what.
I am sick and tired of never measuring up to a standard that quite frankly, will never matter to God. I am done with proving my worth to people who have no say in my salvation. Our values have deviated from the course Christ laid out. We quit caring about what he wanted, and became obsessed with what out world wanted.
I desire to be like Jesus. To be fun, and dangerous, to challenge the minds of the people around me. I want to love recklessly, and laugh till my sides ache on a daily basis. I want to be uncomfortable in a world I don't fit until my father comes, to take me home. And when he arrives, I want to take as many people as my arms can hold.The truth is, life hurts. Our parents and our friends don't meet our expectations. We get let down, and it breaks us. The beauty is this: It is our brokenness that allows us to see our need. It is up to us to need Him, and not this world.

Strong like God

Ethan Michael Peters came into the world on June 13th, 2007 at 9pm weighing 4lbs 5oz. He went home to be with Jesus on June 14th, just after midnight.