Strong like God

Ethan Michael Peters came into the world on June 13th, 2007 at 9pm weighing 4lbs 5oz. He went home to be with Jesus on June 14th, just after midnight.

Goodnight

When the sun fades behind the hills, and the stretch of sky turns to grey, you are there. I see your face in the wind through the trees. Peace follows your path, as if it were a frangrance you put on each day. I know you. I feel you. And, I need you.

Please fill my mind with you as my body falls to slumber. Protect my head and my heart as my dreams begin to unfold, and I am captivated in another world.

I'm asking for signs and wonders. I am expecting a miracle.

give freedom a chance

I'm trying. It's true.

I desire to surrender my will to the Fantastic.
I plan to be spontaneous in my actions of love.
I request a wisdom and grace that are not my own.
I would like to forget who I was, and even where I have been.
All is new. I have been lost in Him, and I pray that *I* never emerge again.

Father God, tap the potential you see in me. Move me beyond myself and my desires. Take my heart and make is pure. Be my first thought each morning, and my last each night. Fill my days with your joy and your peace. You are. That's more that I could ever need.

Thank you for showing up right where I wasn't looking. Thanks for being a God of surprise and awe and wonder.

For one moment in my life, I would give everything I am, everything I could dream to be to have one person look at me and only see you.

Please restore my fire. Show me your blueprints, and give me your dreams.

I think we are ready.

truth.

Sometime I have a peace, like I know some marvelous secret. It fills my very soul with joy and I fell as though I may burst out and giggle for no reason. Some nights when I lay my head on the pillows before I fall asleep I realize my cheeks are actually sore from smiling. My dreams are filled with hope and revelation, and my soul is free. These are the days that I know Him, my prince who adores me. Who gives all to know me. Some girls dream of a knight in shining armour, I realize that I already have mine.

I am inspired to live dangerously, love recklessly and laugh excessively. My life is enchanted, and I am the princess in the land of splendor and freedom.

Praise Him for everything. He asks for no less.

i look back

I am reminded of our last 'family' outing. We gathered blankets and the cooler, and headed to Folsom to watch the fireworks after the rodeo. I'm sure that I was embarrassed and humiliated by my parents, something I would take back a million times if I could.

I remember laying on the grass, watching the sky. You could trace along the edge of the rockets, and predict when they might explode. Something so small, became something so big. Everyone watching would ooh and aah, and we were all captivated by the show of dramatic colors and beautifully designed patterns.

That night my sleep was interrupted by a life-like dream. I didn't know what had happened, but I woke up with the physical heart-wrenching pain of knowing my dad had died. I've managed to let the actual dream details get blurred over the years, but I remember that feeling as if it were yesterday. I cried for a long time in my bed, and I remember praying for God to take my nightmares away...

The next day I couldn't shake the dream feeling. It was like I had shot a gun, and no matter how much I tried, I couldn't get wash the residue away. Later that night I talked with my mom about my dream. I cried as I tried to tell her how much my heart had hurt, and how worried I was that something would happen to my dad. She encouraged me to talk to him, so I did.

Dad promised me that he was fine. He said "I promise, I am not going to die tomorrow." I didn't buy it. He proceeded to fish out his insurance papers, attempting to appease me by proving regardless, my family would be okay. He talked about loosing his own father at a young age, and then after a long and thoughtful pause, he told me "Beth, someday I won't be here. When that happens, DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON GOD"..... (emphasis my own). That night I slept peacefully. It was the last time that would happen for many years.

Thursday, July 6, 1995- started like most other days. I got up, and my dad had breakfast on the table. We exchanged some words, and he left, telling me to be ready for practice early, as we were going to go over some drills before the other girls got there. I went to summer school with my friend Jenny, and then rushed home to eat ice cream and watch soap operas. Why we do what we do in Junior High, I'll never know. Around 4:30 that afternoon I began to put on my soccer gear. Dad got home, we loaded up, and went to practice. Only a few hours later my dad collapsed on the field. I told him to get up or I would kick him. He didn't move. I held his hand and watched as his eyes sent signs of panic. He made the most horrid noise I have ever heard. I didn't know what to do. When his eyes closed, I got up and ran. I fell nearby, where the dirt and tears made mud on my hands and face.

I, being me, composed myself somewhat and grabbed my dads cell phone out of the car. Someone else was calling 911, so I called the family I was supposed to baby-sit for that night and said I thought my dad had a heart attack (where did I get that from??) and I wouldn't make it. I gave them a number of a friend. Then I called my mom. And my aunt. And nobody could be reached. When I think back now, this was the defining moment when I first felt alone. My attention immediately turned to my brother. Mom had dropped him off earlier on her way to a meeting. He had been playing on the swings, but was now hiding behind the bleachers. He was watching, and I knew he was afraid. And here began my compulsive need to protect him...

The rest of that evening is a blur. I told people that my grandfather had died at 40 of a heart attack, and that I was sure my own dad was having a heart attack at 40 too. My team trainer and the EMS worker asked me to go with my dad in the ambulance, but I said no. I stayed with Danny. At some point my aunt came in my mom's car to pick us up, and we went straight to the hospital. I remember being taken to a small white room where Danny and I waited with Aunt Theresa and Uncle Bob. We prayed. And then Mom came in, with a few friends behind her and the only words she said were "He's gone". I managed to escape with no one noticing, as Danny began to wail, and everyone else was holding each other.

I walked straight to my dads room. Call it a sixth sense, I knew right where to find him. I stood there for a long time. Silent. Unbelieving. How could the man who lay there be my dad. He looked just like him, but I knew it wasn't HIM. I got myself in trouble with a nurse for cutting off some of his hair... When I was escorted out, I walked into a waiting room full of my friends. All I wanted was to be alone. I left, and hid in the bathroom, until they told us we could leave. I just wanted to be alone. Alone in my practice jersey, my cleats still on, the muddy face with tear stained eyes was all I had left. The feeling from my dream was back. And every part of my body, especially my heart, was in excruciating pain.

Driving home, the only thought in my mind was- Dad, you PROMISED not today.

Today, the fireworks are everywhere. And, just the smell of them gives me a pain in the pit of my stomach. A pain of knowing that I knew, that I couldn't save him, the pain that he's gone. And today, I miss him, I miss what my family USED to be. And, I am deeply sad.

and the paradigm keeps shifting

I thought I had it all figured out. And then God spoke to my heart:

Beloved, do you not remember my words? Have you forgotten that I have a plan? You have stepped aside from the path I have made for you. You have never walked alone. You seek comfort in the hands of men, and you forget that I loved you first. Take hold of MY hands, and let ME see your heart. You were created in my image, beautiful among queens. You are my princess, and it is YOU that I died to save. Come away with me, to a place that I can fill your heart, and soul, and mind. Depend on me for strength. All that you need, I am.

Father, make me steadfast and true. Take away my guilt and shame, and make me free in you... Thank you for NEVER letting me go...

take me away...

A land of fairytale dreams.

Where everyone lives with the love of the Savior.
Where my heart is whole, and my soul is free.
Where dogs can talk, and cats can dream.

Here, people aren't scared.
We speak our minds.
We speak in love.
We fear no evil.

In my land our fathers can't die.
Nobody blames us.
We are always protected.
Nobody beats us.
We walk with pride.
Nobody leaves us.

There are trees blooming with treats.
Instead of dollars we have hugs and smiles.
Every ill has a cure.
Every heart can be mended.
Every soul has a mate.
You can find confidence by the mile.

In my land of fairytale dreams...
I can trust.
I can love.
I can be loved.
I can ask for help.
Not that I need it.
I'm defended.
I'm protected.
I'm adored.
I'm perfected.
I can be pure.
I can be reverent.
I can adore.
I can follow.
I can be like Him.
As much as is possible.
I'm strong.
I'm brave.
I'm tough.
I'm tender.

People look at me and say:
She's real.
She's loved.
She's safe.
She's got something special.
I want to know her.
I want to understand her.
I want to meet the man who changed her life.


Here I eat apples and almond butter.
I'm beautiful inside and out.
I know how to help.
I know how to give.
I love unconditionally.
I pray without ceasing.
I'm allergic to nothing.
My skin never breaks out.
My abs are made of steel.
My heart is made as soft as gold.

Here, somebody loves me.
He sees something different.
I let him in.
And he chooses to stay.
He knows my true soul.
He adores my imperfections.
I give him my hand.
So he can marry me one day.